Quietly Judging You

I have a number of interests: one is being a pretty geeky person (always loved math and science and I have a graduate degree in computer science), but I also love to do anything creative with my hands (pottery, stained glass, wood working, gardening, wire work, jewelry, knitting, you name it, I’ll try it). Lately I’ve been trying my hand at drawing (something I never considered myself good at) and graphic design on the computer. This spring I worked on a jersey for our cycling group which came out really well. Last week I dropped everything else I should have been doing and created a logo for a long sleeved shirt for my running group.

Considering I did the software contract last month and that I’ve been working on this shirt, my hubby asked me an interesting question the other day: Which would I rather be known for – my software or my art.

I have been thinking about thinking about this question ever since he asked. My initial reaction was that I was torn: I love being one of the few women in computer science – I love being different and standing out, but I also love being able to make a computer bend to my will 🙂 On the other hand, I love working on art and creating things that people can see and touch. I really couldn’t say that I wanted to be known for one or the other.

Two days ago, when I finished the logo for the running shirt, I got a lot of positive comments about what I had done. I was really proud of what I had created (especially since I drew a cat free-hand and it actually looked like a cat!). But the positive comments and accolades from other people made me feel especially good.

So I wondered, why don’t I feel that good when I’m being a software engineer?

That’s when it hit me: writing code, even really elegant code, doesn’t give you the same amount of accolades as creating a really nice piece of art. It’s just expected. First off, you never get accolades for just a small chunk of code, you have to work for a long time to create something that external people can “see” and give you feedback on. And feedback they give, and it’s mostly negative comments (“this could be better”, and “you should try that”) – it’s like computer scientists feel like they have to make some kind of negative comment or suggestion to be seen as smart. The only time you get feedback is during a performance review – and even that is over your cumulative performance, not a week’s worth of work.

But there’s more to it than that. My mom pointed out when I wrote my first post that software development is a very arrogant, egoistical field filled with a lot of smart, type A people. If you’re not good, you’re not worthy of being noticed. You’re expected just to be good period. The way you get positive feedback is if you get promoted, raises or if people are knocking down your door to hire you even though you’ve had a job with the same company for 9 years. There was a time when I did get those things – prior to my taking time off, but now I don’t. In fact in order to get back to that place (and I know I could), I would have to take a step back, re-prove myself and go back to being that type A, arrogant, smart person I know lays somewhat dormant inside me. And once I would do that, I’d get my external validation – I’d get the raises, promotions and job offers. With art, it’s easier for me to throw myself into a project for say a week, get something good and visual done, get my positive validation, and move on to the next thing. All without having to be seriously type A. It feels good. So if I take all that into consideration, it seems clear: I want to be known for my artwork.

So now the new question for myself is this: why do I need external validation for my work? Would my answer change if I was more self assured that I don’t need the positive affirmation from my peers or the general public?

Now that I have to think about…