Years ago I was vacationing when I met a woman who’s husband was a lawyer and they were child free by choice. As in typical small talk with a stranger, I asked her “What do you do?” What shocked me next wasn’t what she did or didn’t “do” – it was her reaction to the question! She became defensive and proceeded to tell me all of the things that kept her (I don’t count the 6 weeks I took off after the birth of my first son, that’s just a leave of absence very very busy. It was at that moment that I changed my small talk question to “What keeps you busy?” Yet even though I knew enough to change my question, I didn’t really understand why she had gotten so defensive about what I had asked. Until recently.I have had jobs of various kinds since I was … well as soon as I could babysit. When I was 12, I would sit for a friend’s baby for 20 minutes a few times a week the mom went to pick up her husband at the train station. At 14 I had a regular gig babysitting the Rabbi’s 2 year old daughter. After that I had a number of regular jobs: working as a dishwasher, programming a doctor’s computer, etc. I worked straight through high school, college and graduate school, except for three times:<\/p>\n
The first two “temporary retirements” were pretty easy, I felt like I had a reason for taking time off and I knew they would be relatively short lived.<\/p>\n
The third break from the working world was a bit more complicated. I was leaving a job just at the point where my career was taking off: I was managing people and projects, setting designs in motion and I felt like I was making a difference. However, I did have a good set of reasons for leaving the job that September (one of which was my husband’s commute), and had every intention of going back to work once the family situation settled out by that next January. Then I thought I’d go back to work in March. April. Then I told myself June, then September…. this kept going on for 2 years.<\/p>\n
Although I was very busy with family and other volunteer work, I didn’t feel defensive when people asked me “What do you do?” It was a very easy answer: “My husband is out of town half of each week and commuting and working an 8 hour day wouldn’t work out. Besides someone has to be home to take care of everything else.” People were understanding of that answer, and, in my own head, I knew I’d go back to work as soon as the commuting stopped.<\/p>\n
Well the commuting stopped over 12 months ago. So I started to look for a job. Optimally I wanted a job where I could pick up in my career where I left off. Well that turned out to be difficult to find. Companies aren’t so keen to hire part time managers (and part time was still easier on the family given my husbands 50-60 hour weeks). So I resigned myself to the fact that I’d have to find a job as a Software Engineer – a step back in my mind, but maybe I had to go back to go forward.<\/p>\n
Well that turned out to be difficult as well. It’s been 2 years since I left the computer world AND because I had risen to management, I hadn’t done a significant amount of programming 2 years prior to that.<\/p>\n
In the meanwhile, I’d go to parties with people from my husband’s work, or from grad school who hadn’t seen me in a while and, as with most parties where there is small talk, I’d get the question “What do you do?” I finally came up with a response that would at least get a “OHHH interesting, tell me more” response instead of the pathetic “oh, how… um… interesting” pity response. When I would explain that I’m at home taking care of the kids, the tables were turned and it was the person asking who would feel a bit defensive.<\/p>\n
Still I did manage to find many things to occupy my time. I helped friends with small businesses with their computer problems. My friends were very happy, but the people asking “what do you do” didn’t seem to find that interesting enough. I volunteered in my younger son’s school, which got some interest because it is very generous of me to spend my time in that way, but then the person asking would move away from the conversation. I worked very hard for a month and came up with enough jewelry to sell at a show. That would placate some of the small-talkers because I could talk about the artwork for quite some time and show them my cool business card. I worked as a teacher for a secular Jewish Sunday school, then volunteered and worked on their curriculum over the summer, both answers received some positive responses, but still in the work world, it didn’t seem to be “enough.”<\/p>\n
Recently, 3 years after I left the work world, I interviewed at a company I thought my knowledge would be extremely helpful. They did too – but they didn’t want a manager (which again I was hoping for), they wanted a full time software development engineer. I still couldn’t commit to the full time, so we tabled the discussion. I was disappointed in that I felt that if I had been a perfect fit, they would have made accommodations for me. Friends and family were all disappointed for me as well, but I moved on rather quickly. About a month later, I was hired rather suddenly, part time, on contract for this same company. The deal was a good one, yet it was with the understanding that it could change rather suddenly (they’re on a tight budget and if they hired full time folks, they’d have to cut back or cancel the contract). Still, I was pretty happy! I felt wanted, like my skills were going to be used, my PhD not wasted and I was going to be “useful.” Friends and family were appropriately happy for me.<\/p>\n
What surprised me were the acquaintances, the people at social gatherings asking “what do you do?” I would tell them and It was as if suddenly, I meant something again. I was worthy of having a conversation with at a party. I told them I was working for this company, and suddenly they wanted to know more! What was odd to me was MY reaction: I would get almost embarrassed and not say much, and divert the subject away from my job. Yet I couldn’t help but feel important again, it was a nice feeling, some positive attention for being a “useful member of society.”<\/p>\n
Until Wednesday. Three weeks after I started. That’s when I found out that they’re going to put the contract on hold because they just hired one person.<\/p>\n
My first thought was “well, no problem, this was the understanding.” My second thought was “If I had done an extraordinary amount of work in those three weeks, maybe they’d keep me on anyway, they’d make accommodations instead of looking for other people.” My third thought was “It’s because I started to feel comfortable and brought in my own coffee mug.” But even with my self deprecation, I was ok with their decision and ok to move on. So I let everyone know I was going to be done with the contract as of Monday. What took me by surprise was my friends and family “consoling” me for my lost job. “I’m sorry,” “there will be other ones,” and “this obviously wasn’t the perfect job for you,” etc.<\/p>\n
That’s what took me by surprise: the sense that I should be sad, sorry, or bummed about losing a job – a good job with a lousy commute mind you. I can only imagine what the party people are going to think. I suspect I’ll be going back into the ranks of those people – you know the ones who don’t “work” – they don’t “do” anything.<\/p>\n
What they don’t know is how busy I’ll be.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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